dear you....

a series of letters; written to a girl who will never read them.

dear @keltiecolleen…

I don’t know if you got my reply back to it, but I wanted you to know that I got your email on January 15, 2012 - “Why are you giving up? I told you not to!”

There’s no way you have foreseen it, but your email came at the most perfect and critical moment that morning. I was ready to end it all and I wanted, needed just one person to tell me not to give up, that it wasn’t worth it and that something better was on the horizon.

Then your email came.

Even if you never see this, I just want to thank you for saving my life and giving me hope where there was only darkness.

R.

the 5 stages of getting over lovebug….

(d.)

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

this will probably most likely be the last letter that you receive from me. after today, I have no plans or notions to write to you anymore. at least, not on this subject and most likely, not via this medium. there’s a lot more that I could say but I don’t think it would serve any purpose other than to beat a very, very dead horse.for one, the whole start to this project was to obtain a desired means to an end and while it may not be the one that I’d wished for or wanted when I first started this, the fact still remains it’s over.

not to mention, whether I/we like it or not, our dynamic isn’t the same. I’ve always known I could tell you everything, whenever work and school weren’t overloading you, as long as I could pin you down long enough, but I either failed to make it clear that you can always, always talk to me about everything (yes, including shannon) or I succeeded in making you feel like you weren’t valuable enough for my time. the conditions surrounding our break up has blurred the lines and boundaries of our friendship, too. I don’t know where I stand, where I’m allowed to butt in and where I should stay quiet, whether you even want me to ask if you’re okay or if you’ll even talk to me (I know you don’t and that’s okay, too). I’m not used to having to hold back.

I came to a realization the other day, startling in its clarity and equally painful and relieving.

despite my cynicism when it comes to love and the fact that I never can seem to follow my own advice (even when it works for everyone else), I still believe that everyone deserves to fall in love and that there is someone out there that is meant for you and when you find them, you’ll know because suddenly you’ll feel whole and everything will feel like it just slots into place, picture perfect.

like you and shannon.

the thing about people in love is that they’re open books. you can see every positive emotion that goes along with being hopelessly in love on their faces and in their actions. the other thing is that no matter how many people you fall in love with and how differently and what you love about them in comparison to the rest, the way you are when you’re in love never changes.

you were never in love with me.

I think you might have been in love with the idea of me, of what I could offer you after spending so long with her, but in the end when it came down to it, I was never what you wanted. the fact that you knew that you were in love with someone else by late july, early august and have no regrets about walking away, proves it. please, don’t get me wrong; I can’t fault you for falling in love. all I’ve ever wanted for you, from the moment we met, was for you to be happy and to find the love you deserved.

I look like a jerk and bad girlfriend, which I suppose I was. had I not fallen for you practically the moment we met, I wouldn’t have spent years waiting for you to be single and I probably would have noticed that warning signs, both of the fact that your heart lie elsewhere and the fact in my desire to be with you anyway I could, I set myself up to fail by stepping up to be your first rebound.

I don’t regret making myself vulnerable and letting myself fall in love with you and I would  never give back the memories I have that are ours. I’m moving past it, trying not to dwell on the things that hurt and pushing my questions to the far reaches of my mind because I have to let this go. I have to let you go.

I’m sorry it took me so long to come to terms with everything and for every time I’ve hurt you and/or made you cry. I’m trying not to have regrets, but that is something I can’t help.

The only other thing I regret is that, regardless of where out future took us as a couple, we were best friends first and foremost and I am so sorry for letting you down. if I hadn’t, then maybe it would have been me you went to when you need a listening ear. I hope I never make you doubt that again and I hope that you’ll continue to let me be in your corner to watch as you make all your dreams come true.

I wish you and Shannon so much happiness in the future. you deserve it. :)

courage for the last time,

R.

if this was pointless and ineffectual from the very beginning, now it only serves to continue to make me look even pathetic.

contrary to popular belief, though, i have actually accepted that i’m not getting you back, if i even had you at all. for the most part.

i haven’t quite accepted that i mean so little to you that you’ve taken every moment and joke and song and tradition and everything and recycled it immediately, like they meant nothing. like i meant nothing.

you swear that you never cheated on me and i want to believe you more than anything because doubting you kills me….but not as much as the feeling that you never loved me at all, that i meant nothing to you.

i put so much into our relationship, made myself vulnerable in ways no one has ever been privy to, nor will they again. you were the first person i’ve said ‘i love you’ to romantically and meant it. no, the distance wasn’t ideal and it downright sucked, but i tried to make plans and i tried to do whatever i could to make it seem less so.

i hate comparing myself to her but in the two months i have been aware of your relationship (and god, don’t i sound like a joke) you have given her more than you ever gave me. you’re putting in more of an effort for her, in all aspects from dressing up for her to intimacy to even making solid plans to spend time with her, something you couldn’t even do with me when i offered to pay.

you were upset with me for not fighting for you, when in truth, i felt like i’d been fighting for you and nothing was working and i just wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. i just wish i knew what it is about me that makes me unworthy of being fought for or loved. i can’t figure out if it’s a glitch in my DNA or just my natural fatal flaw. i guess i just thought that, after being friends as long as we have, that if anything, our friendship was reason enough.

…and now i’ve gone and ruined your day. (wow, that doesn’t sound egotistical, self. not at all.) i don’t want to be the bad penny that pops up in your life from time to time and ruins your day or makes you cry.

i wish you so much happiness in your future, ‘Bug and i hope every single one of your dreams come true. i hope you and shannon get your dream wedding and grow old together and throw things at ornery kids from off your front porch. i know that you’ll overcome the anxiety and trust issues that you have; you’re doing so well already! you’ve smile and/or been bubbly more in the last few weeks than i think i’ve seen in the whole time i’ve known you and i am so proud of you. just remember chin up and deep breaths.

ah, i did save one wish for me…..

i wish you would have missed me, even as a friend, just an inkling of how much i’ve missed you. or at least pretended to.

faith, loge and pixie dust, x

p.s. i’m so sorry

my dearest heather, ↘

  1. Breakeven - The Script
    What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you?
    What am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re okay?

  2. Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes
    My heart’s a stereo, it beats for you so listen close, oh oh.
    Make me your radio and turn me up when you feel low, this melody is meant for you.


  3. 'Til I Can Make It on My Own - Billy Gilman
    Surely someday I’ll look up and see the morning sun, without another lonely night behind me. Then I’ll know I’m over you and all my cryin’s done and no more hurtin’ memories can find me.

    But ‘til then, Lord, you know I’m gonna need a friend 'til I get used to losing you, let me keep on using you 'til I can make it on my own.

  4. What’s Forever For? - Billy Gilman
    But I see love-hungry people trying their best to survive, while in their hands is a dying romance and they’re not even trying to keep it alive.
    So what’s the glory in leaving? Doesn’t anybody ever stay together anymore? And if love never lasts forever, tell me, what’s forever for?

  5. Who Knew - P!nk
    I wish I could touch you again. I wish I could still call you a friend. I’d give anything.

    When someone said, “Count your blessings now before they’re long gone.” I guess I just didn’t know how. I was all wrong. They knew better, but still you said forever and ever. Who knew?


  6. Memories - Panic! at the Disco
    When July became December, their affection fought the cold but they couldn’t quite remember what inspired them to go. And it was beautifully depressing like a ‘Street Car Named Desire’. They were fighting for their love that had started growing tired.

    ….They were young and independent and they thought they had it planned. Should’ve known right from the start you can’t predict the end.

  7. Skyscraper - Demi Lovato
    As the smoke clears, I awaken and untangle you from me. Would it make you  feel better to watch me while I bleed?

  8. I Wish You’d Stay - Brad Paisley
    I wish you the best, I wish you nothing less in everything you’ve ever dreamed of and I hope you find love along the way. But most of all, I wish you’d stay.

  9. Make You Feel My Love - Adele (Bob Dylan cover)
    I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue, I’d go crawling down the avenue. No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to make you feel my love.

    The storms are raging on the rolling sea and on the highway of regret. Though winds of change are blowing wild and free, you ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

  10. Dear God - Avenged Sevenfold
    Dear God, the only thing I ask is that you hold her when I’m not around, when I’m much too far away.

  11. Seize the Day - Avenged Sevenfold
    Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost. It’s empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over.

  12. I Thought She Knew - Nsync
    She was my once in a lifetime, a happy ending come true. Oh, I guess I should have told her…..I thought she knew.

  13. Lightweight - Demi Lovato
    I’m a lightweight, better be careful what you say. With every word I’m blown away, you’re in control of my heart. I’m a lightweight, easy to fall, easy to break. With every move my whole world shakes, keep me from falling apart.

    Make a promise, please, you’ll always be in reach, just in case I need you there when I call.

  14. Wonderwall - Oasis
    And maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me.

  15. A House Is Not A Home - Chris Colfer (Glee Cast)
    But a room is not a house and a house is not a home, when the two of us are far apart and one of us has a broken heart…..

    ….I’m not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home when I climb the stairs and turn the key. Oh, please be there, still in love with me.

  16. Fix a Heart - Demi Lovato
    It’s probably what’s best for you, I only want the best for you and if I’m not the best then you’re stuck. I tried to sever ties and I ended up with wounds to bind, like you’re pouring salt in my cuts.

    And I just ran out of band-aids, I don’t even know where to start. 'Cause you can bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart.

  17. You’re My Favorite Song - Demi Lovato & Joe Jonas
    Words don’t come easy without a melody. I’m always thinking in terms of do re mi. Just like a bass line, in half time, you hold down the groove. That’s why I’m counting on you.

  18. The Story - Grey’s Anatomy Cast
    All of our friends think that I’m blessed but they don’t know my head is a mess. Oh, they don’t know who I really am, they don’t know what I’ve been through like you do and I was made for you.

  19. I Can’t Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt
    I can’t make you love me if you don’t. I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t. Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power but you won’t. No, you won’t.

  20. I Cross My Heart - George Strait
    You’ll always be the miracle that makes my life complete.

  21. Not Alone - Darren Criss
    I’ve been alone, surrounded by darkness. I’ve seen how heartless the world can be. I’ve seen you crying, you felt like it’s hopeless. I’ll always do my best to make you see

    Baby, you’re not alone, ‘cause you’re here with me and nothing’s ever gonna bring us down ‘cause nothing can keep me from loving you. And you know it’s true. It don’t matter what’ll come to be our love is all we need to make it through.


  22. Love to You - The Summer Set
    you and I could be the best of friends, ‘cause no matter what I do, my heart beats for two. Always give my l-o-v-e-t-o-y-o-u

  23. Trade Mistakes - Panic! at the Disco
    Let me save you, hold this rope. I am an anchor, sinking her.

    I may never sleep tonight as long as you’re still burning bright. If I could trade mistakes for sheep, count me away before you sleep. I’ll stay awake till I trade my mistakes or they fade away.

  24. Always - Panic! at the Disco
    It was always you…..I’m the light blinking at the end of the road, blink back to let me know. (It was always you)

  25. Don’t You Remember? - Adele
    When was the last time you thought of me? Or have you completely erased me from your memory? I often think about where I went wrong, the more I do, the less I know.

    But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness, and a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head.

    But don’t you remember? Don’t you remember the reason you loved me before? Baby, please remember me once more.

    Gave you the space so you could breathe. I kept my distance so you would be free and hope that you find the missing piece to bring you back to me.


  26. Nearly Witches (Ever Since We Met) - Panic! at the Disco
    Ever since we met, I only shoot up with your perfume. It’s the only thing that makes me feel as good as you do.

  27. Jealousy - Darren Criss
    I can’t get it out in the shower, drink it off at the bar. This sugar’s gone sour and it’s gone way too far.

  28. Snuff - Slipknot
    So if you love me, let me go and run away before I know. My heart is just too dark to care. I can’t destroy what isn’t there. Deliver me into my fate - if I’m alone I cannot hate. I don’t deserve to have you…My smile was taken long ago, if I can change I hope I never know.


  29. I Still Think - Darren Criss
    I’ve got arms and you’ve got legs and together we’ve made some mistakes but hey, we’re doing well. Well I’ve got reason to believe in the power of you and me to break this spell.

    And now, how, we like to say that we’re in love, doesn’t it seem like that should be enough? The world will roll their eyes but I still think, well I still think that we’re in love.

  30. I Drive Myself Crazy - Nsync
    I lie awake, I drive myself crazy, drive myself crazy thinking of you. Made a mistake when I let you go, baby. I drive myself crazy wanting you the way that I do.

  31. It Girl - Jason Derulo
    You could be my it girl. Baby, you’re the shit girl, lovin’ you could be a crime.
    Crazy how we fit girl, this is it girl. Give me 25 to life

  32. Take It All - Adele
    Maybe you got too used to by having me around. Still how can you walk away from all my tears? It’s gonna be an empty road without me right here.

    But go on and take it, take it all with you. Don’t look back at this crumbling fool.
    Just take it all with my love, take it all with my love.

  33. You’re My Only Shorty - Demi Lovato

  34. Even Though - Darren Criss
    I thought I wanted someone perfect as could be
    When what I needed was the one who was perfect for me

  35. Young - The Summer Set
    If I’m Romeo, then you’re Juliet. As long as I’m breathing I’ll love you to death.

  36. Sami - Darren Criss
    Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?

  37. Never Had a Dream Come True - S Club 7
    Never had a dream come true ‘til the day that I found you and even though I pretend that I’ve moved on, a part of me will always be with you.

  38. Where Are You Now? - The Summer Set
    Hope I’m more than a cheap trick you played on yourself but I do it so well

  39. All Again For You - We the Kings
    You were the one, I was in love. But you always hurt the one you lost. I couldn’t get enough.

    You were everything that’s bad for me, make no apologies. I’m crushed black and blue but you know I’d do it all again for you

  40. Promise the Stars - We the Kings
    Maybe you’ll follow, maybe you’ll stay. I’m praying you won’t give yourself away. You know that you are the only one I promise the stars

  41. Rumour Has It - Someone Like You - Glee Cast

  42. All I Want Is You This Christmas - Nsync
    I was making my list, I was checking it twice. In the middle of this I got tears in my eyes. For in my foolish heart, there was one simple truth: the only gift I wanted was you.

  43. Teenage Dream (Piano Acoustic Version) - Darren Criss
    I finally found you, my missing puzzle piece. I’m complete.

  44. Lego House - Ed Sheeran
    And it’s so hard to say it but I’ve been here before and I’ll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours

  45. Everything I Own - Nsync
    I would give everything I own just to have you back again.

  46. Wouldn’t Change A Thing - Demi Lovato & Joe Jonas
    We’re like fire and rain, you can drive me insane but I can’t stay mad at you for anything. We’re Venus and Mars, we’re like different stars but you’re the harmony to every song I sing and I wouldn’t change a thing.

  47. One Hand, One Heart - Darren Criss & Lea Michelle (Glee Cast)
    make of our hearts, one heart.

  48. On My Own - Samantha Barks (Les Miserables OST)
    I love him, but every day I’m learning, all my life I’ve only been pretending. Without me, his world will go on turning. A world that’s full of happiness that I have never known. I love him…I love him…I love him…but only on my own.

  49. Somewhere Only We Know - Glee Cast
    And if we have a minute why don’t we go talk about it somewhere only we know?

  50. That’s When I’ll Stop Loving You - Nsync

  51. Someone Like You - Adele
    I hate to show up out of the blue uninvited but I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it. I’d hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over.

    Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.

  52. Songbird - Naya Rivera (Glee Cast)
    and I wish you all the love in the world.

  53. Till I Hear You Sing - Ramin Karimloo (Love Never Dies OST)
    And sometimes, at nighttime I dream that you are there but wake holding nothing but the empty air.


  54. Perfect - Chris Colfer & Darren Criss (Glee Cast)
    Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever, ever feel that you’re less than fuckin’ perfect. Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing you are perfect to me.

my dearest heather,

You’re welcome for Perfect. I did get your text, I just haven’t been able to reply to it, my inability to pay my phone bill notwithstanding.

It may be easy for you to turn off your feelings and pretend that we were only ever friends, but I’m not there yet. Just give me some more time. Please.


0 plays

I’ll be fine and dandy, Lord, it’s like a hard candy Christmas.
I’m barely getting through tomorrow but still I won’t let sorrow bring me way down.

Hard Candy Christmas;; Dolly Parton (Best Little Whorehouse In Texas)

Well. It has officially been three weeks. Three weeks and I no longer find myself bursting into tears over everything that reminds me of you (and let’s face it - that’s everything.) That doesn’t mean that I don’t think of you literally every waking moment of my day.

I often wonder if you think of me as much - or even half as much - as I think of you because honestly, I’m starting to feel a little ridiculous. It must be so nice to turn your feelings off. Someday, you’ll have to tell me how you do it.

I’m a glutton for punishment, I guess. I’ve been listening to this playlist I made; 300+ songs that make me think of you, both before and after The Break Up. (Yes, it does need capitalization because it’s significant. It marks the point where I ceased to live and started just existing.) The thing is, they’re songs that I love and songs that I enjoy and I will be singing along, doing my Panda shimmy and suddenly there will be that line that has you written all over it.

I can’t quit you, Heather.

my dearest heather

today, dressed up in designer drugs, dedicated to the one I’ll always love; the one who really messed me up.

All Again for You; We The Kings

Sometimes, I wish I could hate you. At the very least, I wish I could get angry with you. Then maybe this would be easier and getting over you wouldn’t seem like such a feat.

I don’t think we gave up on us. I think you gave up on us. Whether it’s because you found someone else or because you woke up one day and decided that you didn’t love me anymore, I don’t know. You can think what you want and believe that you know me so well to know what’s going on in my head, but I wasn’t done with us. I wasn’t done loving you. I’m not done loving you.

Yet, despite the fact that you made an executive decision for the both of us, I can’t find it in me to be angry with you. I can’t direct my sense of betrayal and blame towards you. I only find myself hoping that you aren’t affected by the end of our relationship because I can’t stand the thought of you hurting even half as much as I do.

I’m thankful for the time that I got with you. I wish my forever would have lasted longer, but I wouldn’t give it all up, even knowing the outcome.

I hope you find your happily forever after.

my dearest heather,

somewhere we went wrong; we were once so strong.

Don’t Forget; Demi Lovato

I’ve spent a lot of time this last week thinking - even when I was desperately trying to keep from thinking. But it’s always on mind, no matter what I do. You’re always on my mind, sitting quietly in the back, never out of view during the few times I am able to distract my thoughts.

When do you think it started? What changed the tides and led to our demise?

In hindsight, I think it was September 1, when I started that 3-week long stretch while my co-worker was in Boston. All of a sudden, I was swamped with work and you were juggling work and school and both of us were exhausted. The lazy, laid-back feel of summer was long gone, replaced by deadlines and end-of-summer rushes.

Conversations went unfinished, the intention to pick them up later abandoned as yet another thing was piled on and the chances to connect were often missed like ships passing in the night.

Before we knew it, six weeks had gone by and we were sitting in the middle of October with hardly a word spoken between us. In their place was this huge gap and it terrified me to think you were slipping right through my fingertips so easily.

We talked about it, briefly, more to acknowledge it than anything, but I guess I assumed that we were on the same page. If we knew there was a problem and we both wanted to fix it, then all we’d have to do is just get through this busy season the best that we could until we could really sit down and form a game plan.

We weren’t on the same page.

I had done some planning of my own and looking back, I wish I would have told you, even though my plans are were meant to be a surprise because then maybe I wouldn’t have convinced you with my silence that I didn’t want this, that I didn’t want you.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

tell me how long it takes to take it back, back to the start

You wanted to know what’s going on my head, what I’m thinking, how I’m feeling.

I’ve never been good with explaining myself, especially when emotions are involved, on the fly so I’ve created a place where I can gather all my thoughts in one place, but still let you in.

I can’t promise that I will write to every day and it’s me so it is more likely to be angst-ridden - particularly right now.

But if you decide to take the time to listen and choose to, this is all for you and you alone and will be here for all of eternity. (or, until tumblr moves on to bigger and better servers.)

loge and courage, me.

i had a heart, that once was true

but now it’s gone from me to you.

so take care of it, as i have done

for you have two and i have none.