probably most likely be the last letter that you receive from me. after today, I have no plans or notions to write to you anymore. at least, not on this subject and most likely, not via this medium. there’s a lot more that I could say but I don’t think it would serve any purpose other than to beat a very, very dead horse.for one, the whole start to this project was to obtain a desired means to an end and while it may not be the one that I’d wished for or wanted when I first started this, the fact still remains it’s over.
not to mention, whether I/we like it or not, our dynamic isn’t the same. I’ve always known I could tell you everything, whenever work and school weren’t overloading you, as long as I could pin you down long enough, but I either failed to make it clear that you can always, always talk to me about everything (yes, including shannon) or I succeeded in making you feel like you weren’t valuable enough for my time. the conditions surrounding our break up has blurred the lines and boundaries of our friendship, too. I don’t know where I stand, where I’m allowed to butt in and where I should stay quiet, whether you even want me to ask if you’re okay or if you’ll even talk to me (I know you don’t and that’s okay, too). I’m not used to having to hold back.
I came to a realization the other day, startling in its clarity and equally painful and relieving.
despite my cynicism when it comes to love and the fact that I never can seem to follow my own advice (even when it works for everyone else), I still believe that everyone deserves to fall in love and that there is someone out there that is meant for you and when you find them, you’ll know because suddenly you’ll feel whole and everything will feel like it just slots into place, picture perfect.
like you and shannon.
the thing about people in love is that they’re open books. you can see every positive emotion that goes along with being hopelessly in love on their faces and in their actions. the other thing is that no matter how many people you fall in love with and how differently and what you love about them in comparison to the rest, the way you are when you’re in love never changes.
you were never in love with me.
I think you might have been in love with the idea of me, of what I could offer you after spending so long with her, but in the end when it came down to it, I was never what you wanted. the fact that you knew that you were in love with someone else by late july, early august and have no regrets about walking away, proves it. please, don’t get me wrong; I can’t fault you for falling in love. all I’ve ever wanted for you, from the moment we met, was for you to be happy and to find the love you deserved.
I look like a jerk and bad girlfriend, which I suppose I was. had I not fallen for you practically the moment we met, I wouldn’t have spent years waiting for you to be single and I probably would have noticed that warning signs, both of the fact that your heart lie elsewhere and the fact in my desire to be with you anyway I could, I set myself up to fail by stepping up to be your first rebound.
I don’t regret making myself vulnerable and letting myself fall in love with you and I would never give back the memories I have that are ours. I’m moving past it, trying not to dwell on the things that hurt and pushing my questions to the far reaches of my mind because I have to let this go. I have to let you go.
I’m sorry it took me so long to come to terms with everything and for every time I’ve hurt you and/or made you cry. I’m trying not to have regrets, but that is something I can’t help.
The only other thing I regret is that, regardless of where out future took us as a couple, we were best friends first and foremost and I am so sorry for letting you down. if I hadn’t, then maybe it would have been me you went to when you need a listening ear. I hope I never make you doubt that again and I hope that you’ll continue to let me be in your corner to watch as you make all your dreams come true.
I wish you and Shannon so much happiness in the future. you deserve it. :)
courage for the last time,