dear you....

a series of letters; written to a girl who will never read them.

if this was pointless and ineffectual from the very beginning, now it only serves to continue to make me look even pathetic.

contrary to popular belief, though, i have actually accepted that i’m not getting you back, if i even had you at all. for the most part.

i haven’t quite accepted that i mean so little to you that you’ve taken every moment and joke and song and tradition and everything and recycled it immediately, like they meant nothing. like i meant nothing.

you swear that you never cheated on me and i want to believe you more than anything because doubting you kills me….but not as much as the feeling that you never loved me at all, that i meant nothing to you.

i put so much into our relationship, made myself vulnerable in ways no one has ever been privy to, nor will they again. you were the first person i’ve said ‘i love you’ to romantically and meant it. no, the distance wasn’t ideal and it downright sucked, but i tried to make plans and i tried to do whatever i could to make it seem less so.

i hate comparing myself to her but in the two months i have been aware of your relationship (and god, don’t i sound like a joke) you have given her more than you ever gave me. you’re putting in more of an effort for her, in all aspects from dressing up for her to intimacy to even making solid plans to spend time with her, something you couldn’t even do with me when i offered to pay.

you were upset with me for not fighting for you, when in truth, i felt like i’d been fighting for you and nothing was working and i just wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. i just wish i knew what it is about me that makes me unworthy of being fought for or loved. i can’t figure out if it’s a glitch in my DNA or just my natural fatal flaw. i guess i just thought that, after being friends as long as we have, that if anything, our friendship was reason enough.

…and now i’ve gone and ruined your day. (wow, that doesn’t sound egotistical, self. not at all.) i don’t want to be the bad penny that pops up in your life from time to time and ruins your day or makes you cry.

i wish you so much happiness in your future, ‘Bug and i hope every single one of your dreams come true. i hope you and shannon get your dream wedding and grow old together and throw things at ornery kids from off your front porch. i know that you’ll overcome the anxiety and trust issues that you have; you’re doing so well already! you’ve smile and/or been bubbly more in the last few weeks than i think i’ve seen in the whole time i’ve known you and i am so proud of you. just remember chin up and deep breaths.

ah, i did save one wish for me…..

i wish you would have missed me, even as a friend, just an inkling of how much i’ve missed you. or at least pretended to.

faith, loge and pixie dust, x

p.s. i’m so sorry